urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove you don't belong here you don't belong here 2006-12-24T10:23:52Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:31385 2006-12-24T10:22:54Z 2006-12-24T10:23:52Z BTW MY LAST TWO ENTRIES WERE A MONTH APART AND AT ALMOST THE EXACT SAME TIME !!!(by one minute)!!!!!!<br /><br />except the one that matches the last one i made private the morning after because i am creepy and awkward. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:29347 2005-11-26T05:56:48Z 2005-11-26T05:59:21Z this is supposed to be about kissing boys and girls but the lack of kissing either is just as significant, i believe.<br /><br />i have gone to sleep before 2 every night. i ate almost an entire pumpkin pie!<br />i took TWO bubblebaths. i did not drink.<br /><br /><br />even went to the gym, which hurt.<br /><br />nothing happened although i did watch woody allen's musical "Everybody says I love you" . i laughed even though i was sitting alone in the dark on the couch. i fell in love for a little bit, mostly with ed norton, but it has since passed.<br /><br />goodnight goodnight good night light light goodnight urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:27037 2005-06-13T07:46:04Z 2005-06-13T07:46:04Z i want to hear the saddest songs ever made. if you know one or two, please tell me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:26323 2005-05-23T19:55:20Z 2005-05-23T19:55:20Z things to remember. a list.<br />-we assembled a full size paper skeleton.<br />-she puts her forehead against mine, scrunches up her nose in concentration and says i'm sending you a telepathic message.<br />-in the mornings she puts on her lacoste sunglasses and doesn't take them off (even inside) until the afternoon.<br />-her friends (whom i adore) tried to convince me to stay one more night to have "family dinner".<br />-she vaccumed my mod's kitchen and living room and helped me pack up my entire car.<br />WHO DOES THAT.<br />-we fell asleep watching a movie on quantum physics.<br />-she supposedly has an alter-ego named chip who lives on a boat and only wears boat casual.<br />(she has never been on a boat before)<br />-she stole a bottle of tequila from the smith alumni, got drunk, watched "far from heaven" and cried throughout the entire film while working "door watch" for smith reunion.<br />-we walked around all the old northampton alleyways at midnight and wandered around the historic northampton gardens.<br />-her favorite movie is boondock saints. for some reason i think this is really funny.<br />-she asked me to stay one more day but i couldn't.<br />then i changed my mind but by that time i was already in new jersey. gosh. that's sad. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:23431 2005-03-16T21:16:49Z 2005-03-16T21:20:05Z DEMONS i am so dead <br />oh also today i told my psychiatrist<br />sometimes right before i fall asleep i have these crazy images of fetus aliens and gremlins and scary clown faces <br />and he was all<br />oh yeah, that's a weird phenomenom called hypnagogic hallucinations where people see demons<br />it's very rare and most people who have it are narcoleptic<br /><br />ummmmm <br /><br /><br />did you know that most alien abduction "cases" come from hypnagogic hallucinations?<br /><br />p.s. gosh i post a lot and gosh i'm so silly off amphetamines!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:22332 2005-03-03T08:49:05Z 2005-03-03T08:49:05Z i'm sick of his resentment. why should i try when he still wants to spit in my face. <br /><br />i can't make everybody happy its okay. its okay. i can't make everybody happy. its okay i can't make everybody happy. its okay its okay its okay urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:21483 2005-02-17T20:03:23Z 2005-02-17T20:03:23Z NOOOO LEaNDRO NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:21130 2005-02-17T19:59:58Z 2005-02-17T19:59:58Z oh p.s.<br /><br />ive stopped going to class and instead have been reading books on new art media and installation, lots of sound theory, and a few on william burroughs. his deconstruction of words are amazing, maybe not so much his space travel ideas. and clipping. i like the clipping idea alot. if anyone would like to talk to me about the above things, i would like the intellectual stimulation, thank you.<br /><br />and p.p.s<br />two mornings ago i woke up at 112 pounds and realized everything had shrunk so in order to revive my womanly curves i am on a burrito a day diet. so far i'm at day 3 and holding strong. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:20148 2005-02-05T18:23:01Z 2005-02-05T18:23:01Z scott jackson (and others) have informed me there is a rumor going around campus that i am signed to k records/that k records is interested in me and has contacted me.<br /><br />i asked scott jackson if that means people think I'm cool and he said yes yes it does.<br /><br />whoever started this rumor: i love you so much, keep up the good work. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:19635 2005-01-23T03:22:30Z 2005-01-23T03:22:30Z i didn't want to open it because i was afraid it would be too angry and i AM ALREADY DOWN AND OUT GODAMMIT. but it wasn't. it was beautiful and sad and i didn't know my heart could break more than once, from more than one person. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:19389 2005-01-20T07:27:42Z 2005-01-20T07:27:42Z i can't wait to be a low-life slut i can't wait to be a low life slut i can't wait i can't wait to be a low life slut i can't wait to be a low life slut urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:19162 2005-01-18T16:57:52Z 2005-01-18T16:59:27Z you know fuck that. i was trying to be cute and facetious but really i'm fucking devastated.<br /><br />i'm really sad.<br />i cry a lot. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:18697 2005-01-18T16:47:52Z 2005-01-18T16:47:52Z that boy sleeping on the couch has got to fucking wake up. due to the fact that brendan has rejected me i have had to partake in what some may call soul-seeking.<br />i came to two fairly different conclusions.<br />one that i suck and should die and am worthless and hate myself hate myself.<br /><br />the other that i am absolutely amazing and beautiful and have pegged the entire universe. like the whole world is a big joke and i can achieve anything i want because i know the inside joke. <br /><br />i hate the word achieve. oh god throw up.<br /><br />last night i drank too much wine. today i am moving out and into enfield all by myself in a big tower. i need to start meeting new people because the ones i have here don't love me anymore. <br />the thought of kissing other boys kind of makes me sick though. boys are gross. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:18470 2005-01-16T08:20:51Z 2005-01-16T08:21:02Z jocelin is smart when she says she will not touch the internet for the weekend. i of course, have had a little too much to drink so cannot control my animalistic urges to check livejournal. there are strawberries stuck in my teeth. dried strawberries from a mystery box of cereal sitting on brendan's desk. he is sleeping and there is static on the tv making a high pitched tone. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:18414 2005-01-14T06:24:27Z 2005-01-14T06:24:27Z godamn i hate manipulative bitches. heathens of the world. HEATHENS YOU ARE.<br /><br /><br />i have a callous that swelled in size on my fingertip. but because i am afraid of almost everything i will not pop it with a pin. needle.<br />i can feel my heartbeat through <br /><br />than and brendan cut out stencils of sunflowers on the floor of the living room tonight while i sat on the rocking chair and watched. and played a little guitar but then got self-conscious and left. wrapped up in a bubble. <br /><br />some mistakes are so pretty.<br />yellow green yellow green white space.<br /><br />time for shower sleep and then tomorrow morningg urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:17719 2004-12-30T07:35:49Z 2004-12-30T07:35:49Z dear diary,<br />i can't sleep anymore. in order to make myself get to bed at a decent hour i drink too much wine so my eyelids are forced to close. i also drink a bottle of water right after to make surei keep myself hydrated but that makes me get up at six in the morning and pee and i hear scary sounds and can't curl up back in bed the way i'd like to. <br />i think androgyny is fucking sexy.<br /><br />i'm also right off my period and therefore need lots of sex but can't have any until january second. what the fuck!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:17529 2004-12-22T06:41:25Z 2004-12-22T06:41:25Z nicole is pretty. so is interpreter of maladies. my headache is not and neither is the fact i have to get up at 9oclock in the morning tomorrow and exercise. i am going through puberty again i think. i have pimples on my forehead. and my new haircut looks exactly like one of the dudes from SPINAL TAP. i miss brendee a lot. the x's on my hand have not yet come off. reading is my current passion. 900 pages this break, so far. words words words. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:17330 2004-12-09T06:14:12Z 2004-12-09T06:14:44Z i have been doing good things lately like sleeping and reading fashion magazines. i make music too. and drink a glass of red wine before bed. love me love me love me love me okay? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:16622 2004-11-20T17:50:34Z 2004-11-20T17:50:34Z my modmates rocked the boxerbriefs a 40oz later i found myself at the queer alliance party in a black bra and pirate panties. oh god oh god oh god. <br /><br /><br /><br />i kept staring at people i knew that i didn't want to see and then realized um i'm drunk and need to go home. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:15979 2004-11-15T16:10:26Z 2004-11-15T16:11:42Z you guys I think I'm really sad<br /><br />it's because of public safety they keep ticketing my car and making me cry and i just want to be a good student. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:15749 2004-11-13T08:24:42Z 2004-11-13T08:24:42Z godamn brownies<br /><br />i tried to heal trey so turned on enya and become a new age freak it was dark down there.<br /><br />ive been eating the most amazing meals lately, food with food in it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:15477 2004-11-10T07:17:10Z 2004-11-10T07:17:10Z um okay he's not allowed to be out this late with a girl who tiptoes around the house and then watch some romantic foreign film with her um jealousy pissy blah blah the fucking rules haven't even been in effect for 8 hours bitch. i'm sad really sad and scared of this breakdown i'm ruining my life and i'm all alone and no one will stop me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:14943 2004-10-25T07:21:11Z 2004-10-25T07:21:11Z so i got to the end of my retrospective tonight where i get to say what i want to do for div2 and think i have gained back some hampshire idealism. i spent a page ranting about women in music and HOW I AM GOING TO CHANGE THE FUCKING WORLD blah blah shit like that. i also wrote a page trying to explain why it is imperative i take "starting a small business" at umass even though i go to a liberal arts college because women need to fucking take control of every part of their musical endeavours which means being independent from the evil male-dominated music industry.<br /><br />this doesn't mean I wouldn't sell out for lots of money.<br /><br />also. i have a five page paper to write and it's three fifteen am.<br /><br />i am going to be robert smith for halloween.<br />morganeve and i were contemplating being Anais Nin and June instead (me being anais nin and her june) but it seems a bit obscure also we are convinced that movie has ruined us we have become lustful demons.<br />lustful demons.<br /><br />i don't think i believe in monogamy and it is tearing me apart.<br /><br />my concept of love used to be grounded and real <br />then i became insane urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:14603 2004-10-24T08:04:39Z 2004-10-24T08:05:23Z writing my retrospective for div1 has catapulted me into a great depression. not really but i'm preheating the oven to make a three dollar frozen pizza in hopes of drowning my sorrows. i could have built an entire studio with last year's tuition (fuck hampshire college.)<br /><br /> after i finish dan warner's classes (electronic music + sound art), and sufficiently burn all those ripped versions of cool music programs lying around campus to my computer, I will have sucked dry all the resources here. <br /><br />i need to drop out. try and fail. regroup. and then come back and study business at umass. <br /><br />fdjks;fldkjfds jkds;lkjf. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:iaminlove:13872 2004-10-08T09:42:07Z 2004-10-08T09:44:46Z nice dream radiohead!! as much as i fucking hate intoxicated posts that go "oh my god i am so fucking high drunk ahhh!!!"<br />there is something about the release of writing while drunk that i find attractive. i mean you just don't contemplate what to say and how to say it and who to say it to and you just fucking think and say and it feels nice. and the words that come out aren't nearly as deep as you thought they would be but that's good. i think. i am listening to oasis and it was nice and comforting but now annoying me and too loud. i put on radiohead. i always put on "motion picture sound track" first because you can not pay attention for awhile and then it explodes and you want to cry. godamn radiohead i hate you. not because you make me cry lots of things make me cry. but because you are genius. i don't care what anyone says and how many psuedo intellectuals try and make sense of each album and every fucking evolutionary steps they take (forward or backward) you are amazing. thank you. yes.<br /> morganeve and brendan and than and i drank tequila and then took a blanket outside in the freezing cold at 2 in the morning and talked about relationships and gender roles and insecurities and it was nice and even when someone brought up a conversation about god i didn't mind TOO much. i fucking hate drunken religious conversations. there are a few reaons for this. one. religion always leads to more specific things like god and i fucking hate talking about god. 2. once you start talking about god you start talking about the meaning of life and i hate talking about the meaning of life more than i hate talking about god. although sometimes i talk abouttaking charge of my life and jumping in head first well aware that i may drown but that is more specific and about my choice of direction of life and that seems a little less WHERE AM I WHAT IS MY PURPOSE HERE<br />oh fuck i'm talking about god i need to stop.<br />idioteque.<br />i remember getting ready for sophmore year homecoming...or maybe junior...when kid a first came out. and i was listening to idioteque and putting on my dress and felt really weird and a little despressed because it isn't a good soundtrack to highschool homecoming especially when you have to get in that exciting "oh you look so pretty" "this is so cute" mood. although i did feel a little cool. beinglike oh yeah i can play that social game but when i come home and take off my smile i know better. <br />i turned into a russian tonight.<br />my hands are shriveling from the cold front.<br />i am seeing morrissey soon. and interpol the next day. i get to go to new york city.<br />usually i think saxophone solos are cheesy in songs. <br />i am incapable of being vulnerable. at least lately. i don't know man. i always thought i was so open and honest but not really, i'm honest about feeling sad and being depressed but i think my sadness is a result of not communicating things to people and then it builds up and i breakdown.<br />i don't want to hurt people's feelings. i'm so scared of hurting others so i hurt myself instead and at least i know i can take it because i hate seeing sad eyes. sometimes those quiet broken faces look beautiful and i want to know and touch them. but when you look into someone's eyes and know you made them look that way you are useless and small and weak and <br />i forgot what i was talking about.<br />tomorrow i think i need to sleep all day. <br />oh also i made a music joke last night to brendan while he was sleeping i turned vocabulary into rap words like instead of saying "fucking bitches doing time" you say "fucking pitches doin tones" and then i couldn't go to sleep because i kept thinking of musical words that rhyme with things like chronic and the hood and ice but couldn't.<br />i haven't slept in days <br />i am a mess<br />with an amazingly comfortable bed next to me.